Friday was a bust...
Gah, I need to go to the doctor.
Social anxiety is rearing it's ugly little head into my life again and there isn't a darn thing I can do on my own to fix it.
Just about two years ago I finally decided to go to the doctor to ask for something to help my fear of public places, people I do and don't know, and incessant sweating.
G would ask if I wanted to go to meet up with friends after work on a Friday. Of course I did! Friday would roll around and when it was time to leave the house, I didn't want to go. There was something wrong... anything I could find wrong, I would. My hair was horrible, my makeup was wrong, my clothes were too tight etc. I would break down and there wasn't anything I could do to control it.
Poor G.
So the doctor prescribed me Lexapro and Xanax. Da-da-daaaaa, the miracle pill! She prescribed it on the condition that I should be able to "learn" how to act and react properly in the situations that usually through me into a tizzy. For awhile it was weird because I didn't feel anything. Nothing bothered me, and for G, he was a bit confused on weather he liked the irrational me or the unfeeling, unreactive me. He could be a total a-hole and I'd just sit there, thinking "whatever dude, can't phase me!"
So I stayed on my meds and it made a huge difference! I loved it and I loved the way I felt. I wasn't introverted, shy, and unspoken. I was more outgoing, open, and not afraid to speak. It felt great and I felt like I was learning a lot from being on my meds.
In June, of course, we moved to Colorado and I have yet to find a doctor. I thought I had learned the correct behaviors and reactions to situations that used to bother me, so I stopped taking my meds.
So now I'm onto the doctor hunt. I always worry that with all of the non-freaks that are merely drug seekers, my new doctor won't believe me or write me off. I hate that feeling too, but maybe that's part of my viewing the world through an irrational, chemically imbalanced brain.
I don't even want to get into what Friday night turned into... maybe later.
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