The Hot Chick

I have never been "the hot chick."

I don't have a great body, I've always been "soft," and I have ZERO boobage.

Sometimes I have a mustache if it's not waxed, and if I wax, I get fricken' zits. I can't win.

The only times in my life I've even been close to being "the hot chick," were times when I looked like this:




And this has happened maybe three times in my life and it's always been a struggle.

Those three times were:
1.) High School - and who doesn't look better when they're 18?!
2.) When I was 23 and did the Atkins Diet. Yes, it worked wonders, but you can't keep up a high-fat, low-carb diet your whole life. Can we all say hello to heart disease and high cholesterol?!
3.) When I was doing "bootcamp" at East Shore Athletic Club three days a week, from 6-7am... plus running and other misc. aerobic classes on my "off" days... AND I was eating close to nothing. (That is what produced the picture above.)

Even in that picture, I weighed about 140.

I'm 5'7" and currently weigh... 170. Yeah, I'm a fatty, and I can't explain how extremely hard it is for me to lose weight. The worst part is, I'm not small boned and I'm fairly muscular. It should be easier for me to lose weight with more muscle, but alas, no.

What makes it even harder is the fact that G is 6'6" and very athletic. While he does work out consistently (never any cardio, just weight lifting) he eats like shit! That boy I'm sure eats McDonald's, Wendy's, Taco Bell, Chipotle and every other shit food under ths sun behind my back while he's at work and doesn't gain an ounce. And then when he's at home he wants pizza, or mac-n-cheese, or some other God-awful bad-for-you food, which of course, doesn't help me or support me.

Sure, I could eat Lean Cuisines and Smart Ones every night for dinner, but I take him into consideration and try to cook for both of us. It doesn't help either that he is incredibly picky when it comes to food, especially if it's healthy.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying to work out more. I'm taking ephedrine to curb my appetitite (no worries I'm not going overboard), and while it's working... I don't think I'll ever be what I want to be, let alone what G wants me to be.

We've made the agreement that if I get down to my "goal weight," which would be around 140-145, he will pay for a breast augmentation for me... which again, don't worry, I've thought about this one for a long time too. (Having A's or and A and a Double A isn't cool when you're my size!)

I'm just tired of having low self-esteem and being the F.U.F. (fat ugly friend).

Gah.

4 comments:

Taralyn March 17, 2009 at 2:42 PM  

You are not the F.U.F.!! You always seem to look great. I'm always jealous of that. Now I have stretch marks and a permanent spare tire :(

Sandi March 17, 2009 at 2:43 PM  

We are in this together. While you think I look fabulous, I think you look fabulous. We, you and I, will never be 100% happy with the way we look. We are human. But remember, everyone else thinks we look great.

I love you. Thank you for the honest post!

Happy St Patties day!

Kristan March 18, 2009 at 8:10 AM  

I have to admit, the breast augmentation really threw me, and I sort of wish G would just take on the Darcy-from-Bridget-Jones mentality of "I love you, just the way you are" (ESPECIALLY if he's not going to make it any easier on you by eating better in support!!)...

BUT I do understand the frustration of not being happy with yourself physically.

I went through 2 chubby periods, one in high school and one in college, and they were both extremely frustrating and hard on my self-esteem.

In addition to doing more exercise (running, even just walking, or working out) I also tried to do some things to help me love me regardless of size. I took artsy photos of myself naked (even though the nudity was always ambiguous rather than explicit) and tried to think about all the people, real life or famous, who looked good without being stick skinny. (And all the stick skinny people, real life and famous, who DIDN'T look so good.)

I think loving oneself should be a balance between self-improvement and self-acceptance.

I hope you know that in reality you're NOT the F.U.F., and that no matter what you weigh (which is not really that much for your height, btw) you're beautiful and lovable.

(Plus you're a halfie, so you're automatically awesome! ;P)

Rizzle March 19, 2009 at 12:05 PM  

Hi! I finally found your blog! Where have I been?

Um, you need a reality check. You are so NOT fat. I do remember you being very muscular and I remember thinking that you have GREAT legs. You're so lucky.

I know what it's like to struggle with body image. I have the same issues. I've come to terms that I'll just keep trying and regardless of the results I don't think I'll ever be happy. Looking and feeling good is such a struggle.

You're so pretty and have such an amazing body and personality. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Also, have you ever considered laser hair removal for the upper lip. I know that not everyone is a candidate, but I recently had it done and the results are amazing!!! I highly recommend it.

Take care!!