The Hot Chick

I have never been "the hot chick."

I don't have a great body, I've always been "soft," and I have ZERO boobage.

Sometimes I have a mustache if it's not waxed, and if I wax, I get fricken' zits. I can't win.

The only times in my life I've even been close to being "the hot chick," were times when I looked like this:




And this has happened maybe three times in my life and it's always been a struggle.

Those three times were:
1.) High School - and who doesn't look better when they're 18?!
2.) When I was 23 and did the Atkins Diet. Yes, it worked wonders, but you can't keep up a high-fat, low-carb diet your whole life. Can we all say hello to heart disease and high cholesterol?!
3.) When I was doing "bootcamp" at East Shore Athletic Club three days a week, from 6-7am... plus running and other misc. aerobic classes on my "off" days... AND I was eating close to nothing. (That is what produced the picture above.)

Even in that picture, I weighed about 140.

I'm 5'7" and currently weigh... 170. Yeah, I'm a fatty, and I can't explain how extremely hard it is for me to lose weight. The worst part is, I'm not small boned and I'm fairly muscular. It should be easier for me to lose weight with more muscle, but alas, no.

What makes it even harder is the fact that G is 6'6" and very athletic. While he does work out consistently (never any cardio, just weight lifting) he eats like shit! That boy I'm sure eats McDonald's, Wendy's, Taco Bell, Chipotle and every other shit food under ths sun behind my back while he's at work and doesn't gain an ounce. And then when he's at home he wants pizza, or mac-n-cheese, or some other God-awful bad-for-you food, which of course, doesn't help me or support me.

Sure, I could eat Lean Cuisines and Smart Ones every night for dinner, but I take him into consideration and try to cook for both of us. It doesn't help either that he is incredibly picky when it comes to food, especially if it's healthy.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying to work out more. I'm taking ephedrine to curb my appetitite (no worries I'm not going overboard), and while it's working... I don't think I'll ever be what I want to be, let alone what G wants me to be.

We've made the agreement that if I get down to my "goal weight," which would be around 140-145, he will pay for a breast augmentation for me... which again, don't worry, I've thought about this one for a long time too. (Having A's or and A and a Double A isn't cool when you're my size!)

I'm just tired of having low self-esteem and being the F.U.F. (fat ugly friend).

Gah.

Two days ago, I officially entered into the world of Lexapro again.

When I was younger, I didn't like strangers. I didn't like things to be different. I didn't like change. If my food was wrong from McDonald's, I just sucked it up and took it. I wouldn't even ask for a packet of ketchup. If I was on my way to meet friends, I would sweat like crazy and I couldn't help it. If G made plans to go out on a Friday night with our friends, I would find an excuse prior to leaving the house so that I didn't have to go. I'd blame it on my hair or the way my clothes were fitting and go berzerk! Little did I know that it would be considered generalized/social anxiety. Really? Me? Is that why I hate talking on the phone to a.n.y.o.n.e? Is that why most people thought I was a bitch in high school, when in all reality, I just couldn't function like a normal person due to a chemical imbalance?

Back in 2007 I decided it was time to go to the doctor and ask for help. She gave me Lexapro and Xanax. Lexapro was a daily things, the Xanax was for when I felt out of control and felt I "needed it." The doctor I saw didn't want me to be on this medication forever, so she told me that she wanted me to "learn" from the way I felt and remember how I should react of feel towards a situation or event. I thought she was an idiot though. My problem stems from a chemical imbalance. As much as I think I'd be okay without the medicine or as much as I'd like to react differently, I can't change the chemicals my body produces or uses!

So I kept taking my meds through June of '08, when we moved to CO. Shortly after moving here I ran out of my Lexapro and my birth control. Dun, dun, dunnnnnn. Yeah, it wasn't such a great thing having not only a chemical imbalance, but then a hormonal one!

G has expressed his desire for me to go back on Lexapro since we moved here. While I know I'm moody without Lex, G has his own demons that he needs to face and would probably be better off on some sort of mood stabelizer as well... He would disagree though... there is nothing wrong in the book of G.F.M! Anyway - I don't think he recalls how I reacted to taking Lex. It made me an emotionless, reactionless, zombie. When I started taking it in 2007 he told me that he missed the old me (well, the non-angry, volitile me). He could've have screamed at me and called me every name in the book and his only reaction from me would've been a couple blinks.

Here we are, day number two... and I'm not there yet. I worry I will be soon though. And then G will see, again, how much he liked me on Lex. He will have to decide what he likes more or less. I like being on Lex, besides the price. It's nice not having things bother you and frankly, not giving a shit about anything!

I also went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned. No cavities for moi! :D And I get to go back in a week and pick up my bleaching trays! Yay for white teeth!

Day 1572.

This evening G and I are headed up to Breckenridge for the weekend with his friend B.

If I could have my way, I wouldn't be going. It's not because I don't want to spend time with G, but more because 1) I don't want to hang out with B. I understand he's single, but when you blow your friends off to hang out with Colorado's "Most Eligible Bachelor," and his douche-bag roommates, it doesn't fly. I like to think that the people you associate yourself with are an example of who you are and your character. The first time I met "Colorado's Most Eligible Bachelor," he was hanging out with a married woman and his douche-bag roommate justified what he was doing telling me that it wasn't on his roommate, that it was on this married woman and that I didn't know what she was going through, so I shouldn't judge her either. I'm sorry, but if you have a ring on your finger, you shouldn't be, literally, hanging on another man. Keep your clam burger closed honey. So B continues to spend time with this douche bags. Maybe he thinks hanging out with a bunch of single guys will help his game. Hello, do the math here B. More single guys just means that whatever women are out, have more of a choice to pick over. Smooth move Ex-Lax. Now to 2) We had friends visiting for a week and the whole time it was "go-go-go."They just left of Tuesday and I've had a busy week working some O.T. after my regular hours. To be quite honest, I would enjoy a nice quiet weekend at home, not spending $30 in gas to drive up there for a night. 3) I have a sinus infection. I can't even begin to remember the last time I had one, but I feel like poop. Having the Mucinex booger stuck up in your head doesn't make for feeling top-notch. 4) Lastly, I'd just like G to want to spend time with me and not have to "do" something all the time. I want him to relax and be content spending time at home, cooking dinner and watching a movie.

No matter what I want or how I feel physically, or how I feel emotionally about going, we'll still go because it's what G wants. He always gets what he wants and I if were to tell him to go on his own and hang out with B, he'd turn it around on me telling me that I would be being selfish and that if I don't go, he won't go. And it's not that he wants to go up to Breck to spend time with me, it's because he wants to hang out with B and go boarding. So seriously, why in the heck does it even matter if I go? Fact is, it doesn't.

Gah. I didn't start the morning off right anyway, and not wanting to waste my time this weekend isn't making me feel any better.

Did I mention that because G couldn't sleep this morning, he made comments and poked me until I acknowledged him? What the hell?! My alarm went off and I wanted to snooze a bit longer, so I tried to. The next thing I know, G is whispering comments and poking me. He'd wait for a reaction, and when I didn't do anything, he'd make another comment and poke me again! What the hell x2. So I annoyingly asked him "What?!" and why he was bugging me. "I can't sleep," he says. Well thanks for poking me for a reaction because you couldn't sleep. Sheesh. So I shat on the idea of snoozing for 10 more minutes and just got up. Grrr.