Two days ago, I officially entered into the world of Lexapro again.

When I was younger, I didn't like strangers. I didn't like things to be different. I didn't like change. If my food was wrong from McDonald's, I just sucked it up and took it. I wouldn't even ask for a packet of ketchup. If I was on my way to meet friends, I would sweat like crazy and I couldn't help it. If G made plans to go out on a Friday night with our friends, I would find an excuse prior to leaving the house so that I didn't have to go. I'd blame it on my hair or the way my clothes were fitting and go berzerk! Little did I know that it would be considered generalized/social anxiety. Really? Me? Is that why I hate talking on the phone to a.n.y.o.n.e? Is that why most people thought I was a bitch in high school, when in all reality, I just couldn't function like a normal person due to a chemical imbalance?

Back in 2007 I decided it was time to go to the doctor and ask for help. She gave me Lexapro and Xanax. Lexapro was a daily things, the Xanax was for when I felt out of control and felt I "needed it." The doctor I saw didn't want me to be on this medication forever, so she told me that she wanted me to "learn" from the way I felt and remember how I should react of feel towards a situation or event. I thought she was an idiot though. My problem stems from a chemical imbalance. As much as I think I'd be okay without the medicine or as much as I'd like to react differently, I can't change the chemicals my body produces or uses!

So I kept taking my meds through June of '08, when we moved to CO. Shortly after moving here I ran out of my Lexapro and my birth control. Dun, dun, dunnnnnn. Yeah, it wasn't such a great thing having not only a chemical imbalance, but then a hormonal one!

G has expressed his desire for me to go back on Lexapro since we moved here. While I know I'm moody without Lex, G has his own demons that he needs to face and would probably be better off on some sort of mood stabelizer as well... He would disagree though... there is nothing wrong in the book of G.F.M! Anyway - I don't think he recalls how I reacted to taking Lex. It made me an emotionless, reactionless, zombie. When I started taking it in 2007 he told me that he missed the old me (well, the non-angry, volitile me). He could've have screamed at me and called me every name in the book and his only reaction from me would've been a couple blinks.

Here we are, day number two... and I'm not there yet. I worry I will be soon though. And then G will see, again, how much he liked me on Lex. He will have to decide what he likes more or less. I like being on Lex, besides the price. It's nice not having things bother you and frankly, not giving a shit about anything!

I also went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned. No cavities for moi! :D And I get to go back in a week and pick up my bleaching trays! Yay for white teeth!

I am busy, busy, busy at work and don't have any time to update...

to top it off, the last thing I want to do when I get home is get back on the computer...

This week has cause me to feel like I want to pull my hair out, BUT I started taking my Lexapro again last night, so maybe I'll become the complacent, emotionless zombie G wants me to be again...
maybe work and life and general shit won't seem like such a big deal to me anymore.

Maybe this weekend I'll find the time to post?

Happy Hump Day

G (my boyfriend) and I got into it last night because I stopped taking my Lexapro. I was taking it for general anxiety and to help stabalize my mood/chemicals. I thought I had "learned" how to cope and react correctly to certain situations... WRONG. And so the last few weeks I have been flying off the handle with the mouth of a trucker. So, despite falling asleep with ice on my eyes, and then rolling over onto my stomach and keeping my head facing straight, I woke up looking like someone had sprayed me in the face with a fire extinguisher (if you're cool, you've watched CKY, and have seen what Raab Himself looked like after he was sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher while camping).

Luckily, but unluckily, I get up at 5am every morning to be on the bus by 6am. When I got in the shower I didn't think there was any hope! They were a little better by the time I got out, and before I got ready I decided to place a frozen bag of brussel spouts on my face, because we didn't have peas.

They're okay now, but I still look super tired. Agh, I hate having puffy, "I've been crying eyes!"

The bus ride was alright. I sat next to a guy who was sleeping, but didn't realize that he was going to flare his freaking elbows out towards my seat. Grr. I hate riding the bus. While it's a nice bus, my anxiety gets me flustered and makes me so nauseous. It's rediculous, I know. I need to go to the doctor and get a new prescription for my Lexapro.

I thought it was going to be freezing this morning (around 20 degrees), but instead it was 30, which I'm oddly getting used to. My mom got me a fantastic Tahari pea coat (I love everything Tahari), that's been keeping me warm on the few chilly mornings/days we've had. Tonight it's "supposed" to get down to around 18 degrees, and if it does, it will be the coldest temperature I've ever experienced. From what I'm told though, there will be much colder nights, as in single digit temperatures. Oh. Joy.

Speaking of cold weather, the dry air and wind here is wreaking havok on my poor skin. The skin on my face is in freak-out mode and the rest of my skin is looking alligatorish. I think the face skin problem is realted to me abandoning the only thing that's ever worked wonders on my face. It's made by Desert Essence and the product is Throughly Clean Face Wash. It's such a simple face wash and it's the only thing that keeps my skin clear. It's Tea tree oil based with glycerine soap (and while I hated the smell at first, over five years ago, I love the scent now!) The bottle is average size, but because it's glycerine, it lathers really well and you only need a single pump to wash your face. I personally use it everywhere, pits and all, since Tea Tree Oil is a natural antiseptic! Even better, it's only $4.99 at Whole Foods, although, when I lived in California I bought it at Trader Joe's (where I discovered this gem!)

Here's their description:

Desert Essence Thoroughly Clean Face Wash and all Desert Essence formulas are animal and eco-friendly. The formulas are pH balanced and are gentle on your skin. They contain essential oils as well as pure plant and botanical extracts with natural fragrances to provide you with consistent performance.

Desert Essence Thoroughly Clean Face Wash is a gentle cleansing solution that leaves your skin feeling clean and silky. This unique face wash contains natural Organic Tea Tree Oil, an inherent antiseptic. Also included are extracts of Goldenseal, Hawaiian White Ginger (Awapuhi), and essential oil of Chamomile. Mineral-rich Bladderwrack, harvested from the sea, nourishes the skin to leave it looking vibrantly healthy. Thoroughly Clean Face Wash ever so gently helps improve the texture, clarity, and radiance of your skin.

The other product that's getting me through winter thus far was a gift from MFG's sister, who's currently residing with us. It's from The Body Shop and it's the Moringa Body Butter. I'm sure any of their body butters work amazingly, but I am partial to floral (not including rose) scents.

Well the computer at work is taking a No. 2, so I will try and save and continue at a later time!

So here we go again, try numero dos.

Here's The Body Shop, Body Butter:

Best if you want to: Soften and condition your skin with a rich floral-scented moisturizing cream that lasts up to 24 hours.

Best for: normal to dry skin

How it works:

• Moringa seed oil with natural oleic acid moisturizes and protects skin.
• Community Trade shea butter moisturizes and softens skin.
• Community Trade cocoa butter is an excellent moisturizer that melts at body temperature.