Two days ago, I officially entered into the world of Lexapro again.

When I was younger, I didn't like strangers. I didn't like things to be different. I didn't like change. If my food was wrong from McDonald's, I just sucked it up and took it. I wouldn't even ask for a packet of ketchup. If I was on my way to meet friends, I would sweat like crazy and I couldn't help it. If G made plans to go out on a Friday night with our friends, I would find an excuse prior to leaving the house so that I didn't have to go. I'd blame it on my hair or the way my clothes were fitting and go berzerk! Little did I know that it would be considered generalized/social anxiety. Really? Me? Is that why I hate talking on the phone to a.n.y.o.n.e? Is that why most people thought I was a bitch in high school, when in all reality, I just couldn't function like a normal person due to a chemical imbalance?

Back in 2007 I decided it was time to go to the doctor and ask for help. She gave me Lexapro and Xanax. Lexapro was a daily things, the Xanax was for when I felt out of control and felt I "needed it." The doctor I saw didn't want me to be on this medication forever, so she told me that she wanted me to "learn" from the way I felt and remember how I should react of feel towards a situation or event. I thought she was an idiot though. My problem stems from a chemical imbalance. As much as I think I'd be okay without the medicine or as much as I'd like to react differently, I can't change the chemicals my body produces or uses!

So I kept taking my meds through June of '08, when we moved to CO. Shortly after moving here I ran out of my Lexapro and my birth control. Dun, dun, dunnnnnn. Yeah, it wasn't such a great thing having not only a chemical imbalance, but then a hormonal one!

G has expressed his desire for me to go back on Lexapro since we moved here. While I know I'm moody without Lex, G has his own demons that he needs to face and would probably be better off on some sort of mood stabelizer as well... He would disagree though... there is nothing wrong in the book of G.F.M! Anyway - I don't think he recalls how I reacted to taking Lex. It made me an emotionless, reactionless, zombie. When I started taking it in 2007 he told me that he missed the old me (well, the non-angry, volitile me). He could've have screamed at me and called me every name in the book and his only reaction from me would've been a couple blinks.

Here we are, day number two... and I'm not there yet. I worry I will be soon though. And then G will see, again, how much he liked me on Lex. He will have to decide what he likes more or less. I like being on Lex, besides the price. It's nice not having things bother you and frankly, not giving a shit about anything!

I also went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned. No cavities for moi! :D And I get to go back in a week and pick up my bleaching trays! Yay for white teeth!

Friday was a bust...

Gah, I need to go to the doctor.

Social anxiety is rearing it's ugly little head into my life again and there isn't a darn thing I can do on my own to fix it.

Just about two years ago I finally decided to go to the doctor to ask for something to help my fear of public places, people I do and don't know, and incessant sweating.

G would ask if I wanted to go to meet up with friends after work on a Friday. Of course I did! Friday would roll around and when it was time to leave the house, I didn't want to go. There was something wrong... anything I could find wrong, I would. My hair was horrible, my makeup was wrong, my clothes were too tight etc. I would break down and there wasn't anything I could do to control it.

Poor G.

So the doctor prescribed me Lexapro and Xanax. Da-da-daaaaa, the miracle pill! She prescribed it on the condition that I should be able to "learn" how to act and react properly in the situations that usually through me into a tizzy. For awhile it was weird because I didn't feel anything. Nothing bothered me, and for G, he was a bit confused on weather he liked the irrational me or the unfeeling, unreactive me. He could be a total a-hole and I'd just sit there, thinking "whatever dude, can't phase me!"

So I stayed on my meds and it made a huge difference! I loved it and I loved the way I felt. I wasn't introverted, shy, and unspoken. I was more outgoing, open, and not afraid to speak. It felt great and I felt like I was learning a lot from being on my meds.

In June, of course, we moved to Colorado and I have yet to find a doctor. I thought I had learned the correct behaviors and reactions to situations that used to bother me, so I stopped taking my meds.

BAD IDEA.

I am now a freak again and am avoiding people, places, and phone calls. I wish I could control my behavior, but I can't. The best way I can explain this is trying to convince your brain that what it deems irrational, rational. It's like trying to convince yourself that pulling off a scab won't hurt. You know it will, but try to convince yourself otherwise, and pull it off. No-way-Jose.

So now I'm onto the doctor hunt. I always worry that with all of the non-freaks that are merely drug seekers, my new doctor won't believe me or write me off. I hate that feeling too, but maybe that's part of my viewing the world through an irrational, chemically imbalanced brain.

I don't even want to get into what Friday night turned into... maybe later.