Friday was a bust...

Gah, I need to go to the doctor.

Social anxiety is rearing it's ugly little head into my life again and there isn't a darn thing I can do on my own to fix it.

Just about two years ago I finally decided to go to the doctor to ask for something to help my fear of public places, people I do and don't know, and incessant sweating.

G would ask if I wanted to go to meet up with friends after work on a Friday. Of course I did! Friday would roll around and when it was time to leave the house, I didn't want to go. There was something wrong... anything I could find wrong, I would. My hair was horrible, my makeup was wrong, my clothes were too tight etc. I would break down and there wasn't anything I could do to control it.

Poor G.

So the doctor prescribed me Lexapro and Xanax. Da-da-daaaaa, the miracle pill! She prescribed it on the condition that I should be able to "learn" how to act and react properly in the situations that usually through me into a tizzy. For awhile it was weird because I didn't feel anything. Nothing bothered me, and for G, he was a bit confused on weather he liked the irrational me or the unfeeling, unreactive me. He could be a total a-hole and I'd just sit there, thinking "whatever dude, can't phase me!"

So I stayed on my meds and it made a huge difference! I loved it and I loved the way I felt. I wasn't introverted, shy, and unspoken. I was more outgoing, open, and not afraid to speak. It felt great and I felt like I was learning a lot from being on my meds.

In June, of course, we moved to Colorado and I have yet to find a doctor. I thought I had learned the correct behaviors and reactions to situations that used to bother me, so I stopped taking my meds.

BAD IDEA.

I am now a freak again and am avoiding people, places, and phone calls. I wish I could control my behavior, but I can't. The best way I can explain this is trying to convince your brain that what it deems irrational, rational. It's like trying to convince yourself that pulling off a scab won't hurt. You know it will, but try to convince yourself otherwise, and pull it off. No-way-Jose.

So now I'm onto the doctor hunt. I always worry that with all of the non-freaks that are merely drug seekers, my new doctor won't believe me or write me off. I hate that feeling too, but maybe that's part of my viewing the world through an irrational, chemically imbalanced brain.

I don't even want to get into what Friday night turned into... maybe later.

Happy Hump Day

G (my boyfriend) and I got into it last night because I stopped taking my Lexapro. I was taking it for general anxiety and to help stabalize my mood/chemicals. I thought I had "learned" how to cope and react correctly to certain situations... WRONG. And so the last few weeks I have been flying off the handle with the mouth of a trucker. So, despite falling asleep with ice on my eyes, and then rolling over onto my stomach and keeping my head facing straight, I woke up looking like someone had sprayed me in the face with a fire extinguisher (if you're cool, you've watched CKY, and have seen what Raab Himself looked like after he was sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher while camping).

Luckily, but unluckily, I get up at 5am every morning to be on the bus by 6am. When I got in the shower I didn't think there was any hope! They were a little better by the time I got out, and before I got ready I decided to place a frozen bag of brussel spouts on my face, because we didn't have peas.

They're okay now, but I still look super tired. Agh, I hate having puffy, "I've been crying eyes!"

The bus ride was alright. I sat next to a guy who was sleeping, but didn't realize that he was going to flare his freaking elbows out towards my seat. Grr. I hate riding the bus. While it's a nice bus, my anxiety gets me flustered and makes me so nauseous. It's rediculous, I know. I need to go to the doctor and get a new prescription for my Lexapro.

I thought it was going to be freezing this morning (around 20 degrees), but instead it was 30, which I'm oddly getting used to. My mom got me a fantastic Tahari pea coat (I love everything Tahari), that's been keeping me warm on the few chilly mornings/days we've had. Tonight it's "supposed" to get down to around 18 degrees, and if it does, it will be the coldest temperature I've ever experienced. From what I'm told though, there will be much colder nights, as in single digit temperatures. Oh. Joy.

Speaking of cold weather, the dry air and wind here is wreaking havok on my poor skin. The skin on my face is in freak-out mode and the rest of my skin is looking alligatorish. I think the face skin problem is realted to me abandoning the only thing that's ever worked wonders on my face. It's made by Desert Essence and the product is Throughly Clean Face Wash. It's such a simple face wash and it's the only thing that keeps my skin clear. It's Tea tree oil based with glycerine soap (and while I hated the smell at first, over five years ago, I love the scent now!) The bottle is average size, but because it's glycerine, it lathers really well and you only need a single pump to wash your face. I personally use it everywhere, pits and all, since Tea Tree Oil is a natural antiseptic! Even better, it's only $4.99 at Whole Foods, although, when I lived in California I bought it at Trader Joe's (where I discovered this gem!)

Here's their description:

Desert Essence Thoroughly Clean Face Wash and all Desert Essence formulas are animal and eco-friendly. The formulas are pH balanced and are gentle on your skin. They contain essential oils as well as pure plant and botanical extracts with natural fragrances to provide you with consistent performance.

Desert Essence Thoroughly Clean Face Wash is a gentle cleansing solution that leaves your skin feeling clean and silky. This unique face wash contains natural Organic Tea Tree Oil, an inherent antiseptic. Also included are extracts of Goldenseal, Hawaiian White Ginger (Awapuhi), and essential oil of Chamomile. Mineral-rich Bladderwrack, harvested from the sea, nourishes the skin to leave it looking vibrantly healthy. Thoroughly Clean Face Wash ever so gently helps improve the texture, clarity, and radiance of your skin.

The other product that's getting me through winter thus far was a gift from MFG's sister, who's currently residing with us. It's from The Body Shop and it's the Moringa Body Butter. I'm sure any of their body butters work amazingly, but I am partial to floral (not including rose) scents.

Well the computer at work is taking a No. 2, so I will try and save and continue at a later time!

So here we go again, try numero dos.

Here's The Body Shop, Body Butter:

Best if you want to: Soften and condition your skin with a rich floral-scented moisturizing cream that lasts up to 24 hours.

Best for: normal to dry skin

How it works:

• Moringa seed oil with natural oleic acid moisturizes and protects skin.
• Community Trade shea butter moisturizes and softens skin.
• Community Trade cocoa butter is an excellent moisturizer that melts at body temperature.