I don't know why I'm in the "customer service" field.

I do NOT have patience for stupidity! Zero. Zilch. Nada.

If I could, I would reach throught he phone and put you out of your own misery.

For example (relating to calls about web account access):

1.) "I don't know if I registered for account access or not."
-Really? Why don't you try logging before wasting my time! Or write it down next time.
2.) "Does the Caps Lock key count as a capital letter in my password?"
- Really? Seriously, you've GOT to be kidding me. Was that a real question? Am I being "Punked"?
3.) "Does a number count as a letter in my password?"
- This came from the same person. Clearly a super-idiot!
4.) "Do I put the temporary password in the 'reset password question' box?"
- Of course not moron, it's a temporary password. You put it in the "password" box, under your user ID so that you can log in.
5.) "It says my account number is wrong."
- See how your account statement says "FUND/ACCOUNT NUMBER" 123/123456789? That would mean the fund number is to the left of the slash and the account number is to the right. Does the entry box ask for your fund and account number? Nope. Don't think it does. Which would mean you only put your account number there. What an novel idea!
6.) Me: "Your temporary password that I will be reading off to you will have one uppercase letter, one number, and the rest of the letters will be lower case. Capital 'L' as in Lima, 'a' as in Apple.

Stupid caller: "Is that a big 'A'?"

Me: "No, the only capital letter is the first letter."

Stupid caller: "Oh, okay."

Me: "Capital 'L' as in Lima, 'a' as in alpha, 't' as in tango, 'o' as in oscar, the number five, 's' as in sam."

Stupid caller: "So it's capital L, a, t, zero, five, s."

Me: "No, it's not a zero, it's the letter O."

Stupid caller: "So it's capital L, a, t, zero, five, s."

Me: "No, no. It's the letter 'O' as in Oscar, not zero."

Stupid caller: "Oh okay, thanks."

CLICK!

My pet peeves as a SSR.

1.) Interrupting me while I'm answering the phone. What you have to say is NOT so damn important that you need to be rude.
2.) Talking over me or interrupting me. If you don't take the time to shut-the-hell-up, I can't help you, or won't try very hard.
3.) "Oh," is a letter. Zero is a number. Get it right, there is a difference.
4.) AR-TI-CU-LATE. I'll take a chance and bet a million dollars that your mouth is neither filled with marbles or marshmallows, stop mumbling you babbling idiot.
5.) Leaving off plurals. I know you may have grown up in the south, but $5.42 is said "five dollars and forty two cents," and not, "five dollar forty two cent." I bet you also thought 40 was spelled f-o-u-r-t-y.
6.) Thinking that I remember you. Just because I took your call last week and you had some all-life-ending problem, doesn't mean I remember you or want to remember you. I take 50 calls a day. Multiply that by the five days that have passed since I talked to you. Do you think I remember you and your problem 250 calls later? I. DON'T. THINK. SO!
7.) Blaming me for: the U.S. Postal Service losing your mail en route to us, you sending your paperwork to the wrong address, your redemption being delayed because you forgot to sign the signature authorization page and send it in, because anything is delayed because you did something wrong and didn't return my phone call to you to correct it, your automatic investment plan being closed down because you didn't have enough money in your checking account, the fact that you need a Medallion Signature Guarantee on your paperwork (I don't make the rules!), pretty much blaming me for anything stupid you may have done and don't want to accept responsibility for.
8.) Calling and placing me on hold. It is not my job to sit around and wait for you to 1.) talk to your dog, 2.) answer your cell phone, 3.) take another call at work, 4.) yell at your children etc.
9.) Investing your money in something you can lose principle on and you don't even know what you're invested in. Seriously, just give me your money. You're clearly better off giving it to me or throwing it away. You'd make more money playing the lottery at the rate you're going. "What do you mean my account is not F.D.I.C. insured?" **rolls eyes**
10.) Talking... talking... talking... and continuing to tell me your loooong, drawn out story about how you can't figure out how to sign up for online account access etc. First off, I already know what you're doing wrong. And two, if you read and followed the instructions and looked at the picture (yes, a picture) you wouldn't have to call me.