I think today marks day 44 until G and I have been dating five years? I think...

I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but there was a reason ‘five years’ meant something to me. It’s because at a point in time, probably when we had been dating for about three years, G told me “Don’t worry, I promise I won’t make you wait more than five years,” referring to proposing to me.

See, he put the time constraint on himself, not me. He’s known that I’ve been ready to get married for years now. However, with our five-year mark creeping up on us so quickly, it’s really had me thinking.

The wheels have been turning and I have been stressed out. I’ve been running thoughts through my head like, “There must be a reason why he hasn’t proposed yet," "If there is, I’d like to know why," and "I do NOT want him to propose just because he put a time limit on himself or he's 'supposed' to.”

You’re probably wondering why I took those words to heart. It’s because he did it first. I could’ve shrugged it off as a joke, but he’s mentioned it on more than one occasion which has led me to believe that he wasn’t blowing sunshine and butterflies up my butt. He meant what he said.

I guess what it’s come down to for me is the realization of ‘If he’s not ready, I’m not ready.’ I’ve run this through my head a million times, but I don’t want to be engaged or get married just because he ‘thinks’ he should and he ‘thinks’ it’s the right time. I want him to know what he wants and be sure of the decision he's making. This is nothing to be weary about or to question after the fact.

Maybe he wants to get married… maybe it’s just not to me? After dating for almost five years, it’s a hard thing to admit. I’ve been so confused lately and I ask myself “If G doesn’t propose by the time we’ve been dating for five years, why not, and what the heck are we doing?”

I’m simply done playing “house.” Either way, I’m torn by either decision he makes. If he does propose by our five-year mark, I’m left wondering “Is he doing this just because he said he would,” or “Is he doing this because he really wanted to wait until we had been dating for five years?” If he doesn’t propose by our five-year mark, I’m left wondering “Why didn’t he,” “Does he not want this with me,” “Does he not know what he wants,” and “Does he want this with someone else other than me and just doesn’t know how to say it?”

We share a lot. We share almost five years together. We share a cross-country move from California to South Carolina; Four apartments; Two dogs; The passing of my grandpa and the suicide of my former boss; Family illness; Hundreds of pictures; Thousands of memories; A move from South Carolina to Colorado; Our first house; Our first home; Friends; Family; And probably 90 movies at the movie theaters and another 20 at home (it's our thing and our 'date night').

I’m really confused, stressed, and down in the dumps. We had an excellent time this past weekend in Steamboat Springs, CO (which I will try to blog about soon) that sort of took my mind off of my woes, but not completely. My mind is in a million places, but my heart is in one.

3 comments:

Kristan August 12, 2009 at 3:42 PM  

"My mind is in a million places, but my heart is in one."

Mmm.

I don't have much to say except that this is a beautifully written post that really makes me feel you, even though I'm not in the exact same position. (Going on 4 yrs, no proposal, but neither of us want to quite yet.)

You really have shared a lot. No matter what happens, I think that's lovely.

Sandi August 12, 2009 at 10:38 PM  

My heart is stressed for you! I would be feeling the same way you are right now. I wish I could offer advice. I have none. BUT.... Follow your heart. It's the smartest thing in love.

Liz Remus August 13, 2009 at 11:53 AM  

It's okay. I can understand where you are coming from and why you are feeling stressed.

Our society puts a lot of pressure on marriage instead of happiness.

If you two are living together and playing "house" as you say, so what?

There is no need to get married if you two are happy as you are.

What is it about marriage that you crave? Is it just the security and commitment of marriage?

Marriage is tough. I don't recommend it to everyone. I love my husband but we didn't know how to be married together. It changed everything. But of course we were only dating for 2 years at this point.

I can offer my experiences all day but in the end, you have to follow your heart. Email me anytime!