Not the post I wanted to write...

after not writing a real post, in what seems like forever, this is not where I wanted to start.

Anyway - Can I say how much I hate anxiety and irrationality?

Gah!

We were suppose to go over to K&J's house for dinner tonight. I was going to make spaghetti and yummy french loaves, but that didn't happen.

Why? Because anxiety hit and not in the way that it normally has or does.

I came home and I was ready to run to the store to buy what we needed to make dinner. G and I chit-chatted and enjoyed each others company.

J called and asked G to go to the Daveco (a.k.a. The largest liquor store in the world. It holds the Guinness Book of World Record.) to pick out some wine. I stayed home and relaxed because my ass woke up at 4:30 this morning, like every day of the mother-effin' week.

G got home and I was getting ready to run to Target, and that's when it hit. I got angry and flustered and told Greg I was frustrated that he always says "yes" to things on the days that he has off and I have been up since 4:30am. It's never "we'll get back to you," "let me talk to K," or "we'll see." It's always "yes." And that was it. My mind was made and I wasn't going over to K&J's.

The worst part is, I don't know what set me off. I wasn't angry at G, he didn't do anything. It wasn't because of K or J. I didn't actually have any anxiety, I just knew I didn't want to go. In my head I was saying, "I don't want to cook anyone dinner," "I don't want to hang out," and "I don't want to watch G's dumb-ass baseball game." Why? I didn't know. I still don't know. I'm angry and I don't know why. I'm frustrated and upset and being completely irrational and I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I'm sitting here crying like a loser because I'm merely frustrated at the fact that I'm angry.

Am I just tired?

Is my Lexapro not working?

WTF? What is wrong with me?

I only know a part of what's going on and it's this: I get up every morning at 4:30am to leave the house by 5:20. I either (now) run ~3 miles on my lunch break OR make time after I get home to do Body Pump. Monday and Tuesday afternoons/evenings, G likes to make plans for us. Wednesday, Thursday or Friday nights I work out and then we normally have plans after G get's home at 8:15. Because his schedule is SHIT, like it has been for the past year, I try to stay up and spend what little time I get to with him. Saturday G has to work and he makes plans for me and most of the time, wakes me up. My one mother-lovin' day to sleep in. Saturday night, we do something AGAIN. Sunday, G has off, and he wakes me up by 9 or so. And we do more STUFF. I never get to bed early and G always gives me a hard time about being tired "all the time." Shit. You try waking up every day at 4:30, riding the bus with shitty, smelly, annoying people, be mentally challenged at work all day, ride the shitty bus again, get home and be told you're doing this, or doing that, or we're going here, or my favorite "I'm bored, let's go do something." WTF, I JUST GOT HOME. And I don't DARE even think about taking a nap, because well, that's just not allowed when G's home and I'm on his time.

As I'm getting older I'm realizing I need "me time." I need peace. I need quite. I don't need talking. I don't need to be doing something all the fucking time.

I'm exhausted people... and it never ends. Why?

G works 10-8 Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. He chooses not to "sleep in," but get's up around 7:30 every morning. Over the course of five days, that's 15 hours different from what I get. And why am I tired? Cranky? Irrational? Frustrated?

Gee, I wonder.

Gah, I'm over it. I'm frustrated. And I'm taking a bath and putting myself to sleep.

I feel bad for my behavior, for the choices I made... G doesn't understand. Most people don't. The only way I try to explain it to him is by using metaphors. G HATES the dentist and he HATES heights (we went rock climbing and he LITERALLY made it 2.5 feet off of the ground, no joke). So I tell him, "Convince yourself you like the dentist and then go rock climb a mere 20 feet up." Guess what, I bet you can't convince yourself of either. Do you know why you're actually "afraid" of the dentist or of heights. You know the dentist won't hurt you. You know you're not going anywhere or going to die rock climbing 50 feet in the air, but you still are afraid, right? That's anxiety. You can't explain irrational feelings and thoughts. They're there and they're evil.

I just hope K&J and G aren't too mad at me... because like I said before, I can't help it.

I wish I could though.

4 comments:

Sandi July 13, 2009 at 7:06 PM  

I AM MAD AT G FOR GOING WITHOUT YOU! I had to say it. I don't give a flying rats ass if you got mad for NO reason. You did and he should have called K and J and explained the situation and then he should have poured you a glass of the wine he just brought and sat on the effin couch and let you cry like a baby in his arms and then carried you off to bed.

Give me that dude's phone number. I am going to call him!

I do the same shit you do. I hate it too! Maybe it's hormonal this time. Maybe you do need to increase the lexipro. I don't know. I am just upset that you aren't getting any ME time. Demand it!

Kelly July 13, 2009 at 8:33 PM  

Don't worry- K is not even close to being mad at you. You need to take some time for yourself and relax. I love you and though I don't understand how you are feeling, I'm always available if you need to vent.

Kristan July 14, 2009 at 7:22 AM  

I think your dentist analogy is a good one, and I hope that G (btw you missed one of the instances of his name and put the whole thing in) understands. If he doesn't... well, I don't know y'all well enough to say anything other than "..." to that. BUT ANYWAY. I think you need to find balance. It sounds like things are heavily weighted in a direction you're not comfortable or happy with, and what's the point of living that way? Wouldn't you enjoy the things that y'all do more if you didn't feel forced into them?

Actually I think it's okay if you and G don't do all those things together -- if he wants to do something, let him, and if you don't, he should let you not. Time apart helps improve time together, I truly believe.

You're a really busy woman, I'm not surprised you're tired. Heck, I'm not half as busy and I'm at least as tired. Sometimes I push through, but sometimes I say, No, I need a nap / time to veg and watch Bones reruns / cuddle my dog. Andy might tease me about it or give me a look that says, "Weakling," but he knows that when I'm rested, we'll have twice as much fun.

Take care of yourself first. Only then will you have the strength and happiness to take care of others.

Liz Remus July 14, 2009 at 2:35 PM  

First, take a deep breath. Everything is okay.

I think it's healthy that Greg went ahead and went without you. That shows a healthy balance between the two of you.

I'm very happy you wrote this blog but you need to let it out more often. You can't let it build up like this.

Tell Greg that sometimes you need to catch your breathe and you can't go go go all the time. Maybe have a designated Kristin day during the week where you can do whatever your heart desires (as in relaxing!)

Next, don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. You are right, you can't explain anxiety. Maybe you're right and the lexapro isn't working anymore. Meds are a lifelong battle. You will have to adjust them constantly. Go to your doctor. And don't feel guilty about it, it's just body chemistry, you can't help feeling the way you do. Maybe it's just extra stress at work or something but it sounds like your meds need a bit of managing.

After all that, your friends still love you! We're here for you. Call, text or email us. Anything!!